If you can...

Most days for the last month have felt like 
I was trudging through sludge. 
So many dark emotions and hurts. I felt like God was in the hallway and I was stuck in the room where all of my hurt was held.

I couldn't leave the room. I couldn't return to the God who I love.
I was not living a lie, I was just so bent that I couldn't mend.
As I sit here crying, I will acknowledge that God never left me. 
He never stopped loving me.

I needed to feel the pain.
I needed to know that I was loved.
I needed to know that I was loved by you, God.

I knew the great conversations that so often I was brought into were God showing me that I still mattered. Tonight I saw a friend in a coffee shop. For the past week I had been in the coffee shop every night, so tonight was not very different. But after two hours hanging with her we decided to come back to our dorm and do homework still. After about 10 minutes in the dorm sharing a couch, we threw-up our lives to each other.
It was gross, it was honest, it was so good to not be alone.
To reassure each other that our hurt was valid, that our lives mattered.
That we still loved each other no matter who hurt us.
We have boundaries now and no one can tell us to stop being ourselves.

God brought me out of the pit again, and he will again and again.
I begged God to bring me back, and he said that he never left.
If you can believe it, I want you to know that he never leaves.

Take Control

It is so difficult to talk about trust issues with others. Especially others that you feel should never see you in that light of insecurity. 

There is so much going on in our minds at once. It is hard to talk about all of the degrading thoughts. 

An absolute decision to live in shame can disguise itself behind a wall. A foot-soldier of sin, placed there by a General named Self-Pity. There is now a purpose placed on the animistic portrayal of all shame within us. That’s the hardest part of getting rid of shame. You have to shoot the soldier dead or else he will take your own life. 

Don’t let the guard of your heart beat you black and blue. Take control.

I didn't know.

I didn't know that I struggled with wanting perfection. 
I mean, I'm a girl...so it is kind of expected that you will want to be skinny, popular, smart, and pretty.
All at once.

I didn't expect to feel like I was drowning when I realized I was was...all of these. You just want more. More abs, more smiles, more +A's, more more MORE.
I didn't know that once you were content with yourself, you would struggle.

I am content, yet I struggle so much. 

I get indigestion when I have to be around people...
I didn't know I would feel so useless compared to the girls who everyone knew were BETTER.

I didn't know that I would lose friends because I was "too popular".
They don't tell you that. 
Maybe because they wanted you to believe that they were perfect.

As I stand around those of my peers who I believed had it all together, I know that they think the same about me.

But is this all fair?
Is it fair to hold each other to a standard that does not exist?
No, it is not fair.

It is not fair to be dishonest with yourself about who you really are. The good and bad.
It is not fair to pretend that your opinion and leadership are overlooked.
It is not fair to behave like you are meaningless.
It is not fair to struggle, and not accept grace.

So I plan to love in the light of God's infinite love and justice.
Here's how...
1. I will acknowledge that there is not a standard against me and who I really am.
2. I will choose to think thoughts that are honest and fair to myself and others.
3. I will continue to struggle and GROW

Because the struggle is part of the story.
I didn't know that, but now I do.

The Writer

I am so thankful for...

1. Piles of blankets

2. Waffle House

3. Music that is fresh

4. Snow Days

5. Conflict

Hoppilla

Max: All Halloween I've been running into someone I used        to know.

Penelope: This someone - she meant a lot to you?

Max: Yes, yes she did.

Penelope: What happened?

Max: I couldn't give her what she wanted.

Penelope: What did she want?

Max: To be free.

Redemption is Closure

Do we need everything to be resolved so that we may have closure? 

Or do we need to be redeemed? 

Lately my mentor and I have been learning about different women throughout history. It has been something like,

"Oh! You remind me of Beatrix Potter!" 

"Did you know this about Audrey Hepburn?" 

"You're like Julie Andrews." 

They are wonderful women whom have displayed characteristics that we seek to portray as well.

Honesty, Valiance, Hope, Perseverance, and Joy

They were terribly honest about life and who they were.
They took their lives with toast and tea.
They showed grit and resolved to make the best out of terrible times.

But something resolving...does not always bring closure.

A book that reminds me of "resolving" is Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I was given a copy by my friend Lula McAmis.

Donald Miller speaks of Jazz music and how he never liked it, because it did not resolve. This lack of resolution bothered Miller. He found that God was this way - he did not resolve. God did not make sense. Miller goes throughout the book speaking of how God taught him what jazz music meant. Miller ends the book by saying that the music is true and comes from the soul. The music did not have to resolve and neither did God. No matter what, it was true and an outward expression of freedom. The women mentioned in the beginning found their lives redeemed. I do not know if they were believers in the redemptive power of Christ. If their lives could be redeemed through their very stubborn character, then how much more can God do?

So, tying all these thoughts together is this statement: redemption is closure.
Life won't resolve itself.
Conflict will not end and pain will not go away.
The women who I admire were honest about their struggles and how life did not resolve itself.
The closure they found was in the redemption that their life had.
My closure is from the redemptive power of Christ.

September: Running Back

I've been putting a good amount of thought into my future with a certain man. 

I swore to myself that I would not be optimistic. I certainly was optimistic. 

At the end of last semester I realized that I needed to be selfish and tell the man I loved...

...that I never had stopped loving him. 

So, I did just that. 

You often see in movies a defining moment where someone drops what they are doing and runs,

runs,

runs,

to the one they love. I did just that, and I want to say that it didn't matter. 

Truth be told, it did matter. It mattered to me and those who love me.

It matters to him too. He can't claim to be a sad story anymore, because the pretty girl did come back and declare that she loved him. She wants what is best for him. 

So I'll say this...

If you are going to head back, then do so running.

Because, even if what you find there has changed...you will be stronger to move forward. 

I've been putting a good amount of thought into my future with this man - I will not have one. 

Willingly hopeful

We’ll Make it Someday – The Vocal Few

In the car crash of my life I’ve been the driver 
Steering blind, in every accident I’ve caused theres no survivors 
I hope my passengers forgive me my mistakes 
We haven’t made it to our destination yet 
We still have debts to pay, but 

Remember when we used to believe? 

Yeah, We’ll make it someday! 
Yeah, We’ll make it someday! 
However desperate and marginalized, we will be childishly hopeful and blind 
Yeah, We’ll make it someday! 

Through all the wreckage and the messes we’ve been through 
I’ve been your navigator, calmly guiding, sitting next to you 
So don’t you take all of the credit or the blame 
We still have plenty more mistakes to make I wouldn’t want it any other way 

Remember when we used to believe?

Today is the day

Very rarely when you are having fun do you remember that you are breathing.
Something so simple yet complex is continuing on throughout all of the emotion.
Very rarely when you are upset or quiet or walking do you remember that you are breathing.
I believe that the words that take our breath away allow us to realize something that we never knew. With the obvious knowledge of breathing, we acknowledge shades of emotion as well as life.

Last night's "day dream"...

I held the speckled blue plate in one hand and scooped the twice-baked maccaroni and cheese onto the clean surface. The pasta made a cur-plunk noise variation upon making contact with the plate. I looked to the left and walked towards the cutlery station. The teers of utensils were half-filled after constant use for the last 15 minutes. I walked to nearest table as I caught a glimpse of the brown chord jacket that belonged to him. The him walked past me at the same moment, creating a sense of desperate escape within my chest.
To be blocked in the same room as him was begging quantum mechanics to choose an outcome that I did not appreciate.
As I turn around to get a drink from the fountain machine, he is standing there. He looks down at me from his towering height and smiles a half-grin. He is not a perfect model, he is only a man.
He states clearly enough his intentions at that moment,
        "I want to take you out on a proper date."
I look up, passive towards the statement,
        "Is that so? How's about we ask the entire cafeteria about this decision. I think they might  
         believe that this idea isn't copacetic." I state tartly.
My head has taken a cocked angle to it and my hand is on my left hip. I feel completely in control of this situation, until I am not. He smiled simply and pulled-out a chair. He set one Chuck on the blue vinyl and steadied the chair as he hoisted himself onto the chair and then the table. Amongst the iced sodas, dirty forks, and used-up napkins stood Conner in all of his manly-glory. He asked a girl named Karen if he could borrow her cup. Before waiting to hear her approval he grabbed the cup from the table along with a knife. He called to attention the entire cafeteria with the knife banging against the cup. I pretend that I don't exist and try to sit down, but the only available seat is the one that Conner used to get atop the table.
So I stand there.
He raises his voice and begins,
     "This girl" he looks down and gestures towards me and begins again "Has given you good people    
       of the cafeteria the opportunity to change her future. I have decided to take her on a proper date
      with flowers and a steak dinner for me, and a grilled chicken salad for herself. What say you all to
      this? For she has refused to give me an answer of 'yes'. Speak up!"
I look around at gaping mouths, smiles, and a spoonful of dripping ice-cream from more than a few folks. It only took three seconds before the cheering started. Sadly, Ana was the instigator of the rising decibels. Conner raised both fists in the air and smiled, turning his head to the left and right.

The poor man who gets this writer will have to out-do all the crazy day-dreams that I have. 

Out

I was sitting in a coffee shop tonight with a friend.
She is madly in love with her once best friend.
Who is dating her friend.
And she said this,
"We haven't been friends for months now. I gave him up. But every time I see him, I know what he's thinking."
The simple question that she has now, is if he loves her as much as she can't get over him.

I started daydreaming and thought of this monologue.

"I have seen so many people fall into love and then fall out of it. What's that about? How can you so easily fling yourself around and not feel. It would be so clumsy to fall in, and so broken to fall out. Despite this, I am certain that personally my love would fall out; I want a love that is out. I want it to be out of this world - out of the ballpark - out of town. I want this love to make me out of my mind. I want to walk out of this door and out into the open and out of every fear I've ever had. I will one day walk to you. Out of this place of hell I've been living in. I want to be free with you. I want a love that is out and will take me there. Willingly crazy, every moment hopeful."

I think that love can be out. I think that love can take us somewhere new.

A little tired

I’m so tired of being here.

I have called this place home for a year and close to 5 months. 

I’m not sure why I feel so exhausted of this place and the people here.

I’m sure it has something to do with my heart. 

Father, mend my heart and lack of love towards the people and situations around me.

Allow me to shine out into Toccoa for your glory. 

I will be grateful for this day. 

My Dirty Pants

I am so scared. 

Between

Lying
Faking
Smiling
Being Scared
&
Happiness

My poor pants have been through a lot.

Here's to 2014, I pray I will mend my dirty pants and put them through a wash.

God Loves You

You may, at some time or another in your life, have some audacity.

You may not. You may not choose strength or courage. I really thought I was a courageous person until I was told I...wasn't. How do you respond to that? You believe this one good thing about yourself and find that you are lost. You are so lost.

God isn't afraid to find you though. In the middle of your fears, He has been waiting for years. He has run every mile with you.

I see winning as something more than not dying. Everyone dies, it just depends on the timing.