Love You Swore - John Mark McMillan

Chase me down like a lion
Like a bird of prey
Lift me up from the ashes
Of my hearts own shallow grave

'Cause I know that I love You
But sometimes I'm afraid
Whoa, oh

Spare my body from the wolves, God
That crouch down at my door
Lift me up above the waters
And the sharks that guard Your shore

'Cause I know that I need You
But sometimes I know it more
Whoa, oh

Harbor me in the eye of the storm
I'm holding on to love You swore

To Whomever You Might Be - Part 2 of 'Callused'

     In my Humanities classes, the Philosopher Immanuel Kant is always discussed. Kant was a genius and a visionary to say the least! He believed that we should never treat a human as merely a means to an end. For example, we shouldn't befriend a person just so that we can ask them for gum after an onion-filled lunch. A human has PURPOSE and is ALIVE! I realized after the conversation with the person who I opened up to, that I was using my future husband as merely a means to an end of being afraid of men and being touched.
     You see, I sit inside of my "Single Bubble" (much like a Christian Bubble) and enjoy the lifestyle I live. I never have to answer to a man either in my home life or inter-personal relationships. I've joked before that I'm "Free birdin' it!". It has become so much of a lifestyle choice to not listen to or trust the opposite sex, that I find it hard to listen or believe God because He is well, a "He". But, I don't want to treat the man that will help me and lead me like he's only allowed to do those things because he's my husband.

And so...

Dear whomever you might be, 

Thank you for waiting for me. I know I'm making this assumption, but for however long you've waited for me, whether it be 19 years or 19 days, I love you. I'm so thankful that I will find you when you're seeing God in every little moment of your day. I'm thankful that I will find you while you're loving everyone you meet. I'm thankful that you will open doors for me, and laugh when I trip over the raised frame. I'm excited to take you to the hollow and see all of my crazy family approve of you. I'm excited to help you decorate our future home. I'm excited to choose to love you all of the days of my life. I'm anxious for the moment you get down on your knees to ask me to marry you; and then wash my feet at our wedding. I laugh so hard at the face you make when you see my hair before I "fix" it.  I'm excited for the day that death doesn't part us, because our faith in Christ was parallel to that of Him and the Church. I'm sorry I have for so long treated you like a pawn that would lead me to happiness. I'm sorry that I have for years looked for you, hoping I would never find you. I'm sorry that for our sakes, I didn't trust God to fully acquaintance me to you after I was 18. I'm sorry that I treated you also as an end to me not trusting men. 

Dear future husband, I WILL wait for you, because I love you. With all of my heart, Carma :]

Callused

When you cry out earnestly for God to change you, and open up your life freely for God to use; He is going to change you!

 Last week I was on my way to a Bible study I was co-leading and I  just let out a long, agonizing scream- in my car-as loud as I possibly could. I must admit, I can give a blood-curdling scream with the best of those horror-movie actors. I didn't know why I was screaming, it just flowed out of my mouth. But today, I know:

It was a scream for every fear I had inside of me

It was a scream for every moment my bare feet received burns from the concrete

It was a scream for every ounce of pride that was holding me back 

Finally, it was for every word I wouldn't let out of my mouth about the sexual abuse I had received as a little girl. 

I really, really hate admitting those things. They're awkward and show my character in a darker light than I would like to honestly show. For every time I was silent, I became more callused, believing I could keep my hurt to myself and just keep moving forward. However, healing and pain are found in every moment of every beautiful day that God has created. After that day last week I just talked to God about these things, more and more everyday. The conversations between Jesus and I are becoming dear to me. However, I did ask specifically for God to send me someone who I could talk to about my hurt. He allowed me to connect with this girl (who I originally thought was reserved towards me). It was a completely grace filled moment of my life. We just sat and talked about the abuse we had gone through and how it had affected our lives and the relationships we had with people and men around us. It was odd when she said that she looked up to me because of the decision I had made to turn a 360 from what I had experienced and didn't choose to be a fast girl and such. Because honestly, sometimes I wish I hadn't...it's a very personal deformed desire of mine. She also said she was sorry that I had to experience being brought forcefully into the Police Station like a criminal and made to call the person in hopes that the self-righteous case worker would get another arrest with her name in the paper. I don't think that anyone who understood me as a human-being ever looked into my eyes and said that to me. Of course, I've heard sincere apologies from my mom, my counselor, and my a few friends. This time was just different. I could hear her words and feel myself heal a little more. She didn't save me or heal me, it was God. God wants to heal all of us; His kingdom is filled with broken-hearted sinners who He has healed and wants to continue healing - because he LOVES us. 

He wants to change me, to heal me, to bring me out of my slimy pit, because he LOVES ME.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

"But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself. Selah" Psalm 49:15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmrXdjilmaY

Complete

     The meaning of the number 7 is thought to be "complete, whole". I can definitely say that day 7 of Lent did not initially make me feel complete or whole. Today was ROUGH. I mean screaming-complaining-not-trusting-prideful-upsetting-worrisome-R-O-U-G-H. At one point in time I found myself laying on the floor of the warmest Sunday School classroom in my church I could find - praying, because that was the only thing I knew to do with myself at that point in time. But! The final verdict of today, and everyday for eternity is this: no matter what happens: God is faithful, and we are loved.

     Here's a playlist of songs that I listened to after I got home, just to remember the beauty of God and His grace for me.

Unending Love - Hillsong Youth
All You Are - Hillsong Youth
Rhythms of Grace - Hillsong
Oh Great Love of God - David Crowder Band
This Is Not The End - Gungor
The Myriad- A Thousand Winters Melting

"For our soul has sunk down into the dust; Our body cleaves to the earth.

Rise up, be our help, And redeem us for the sake of Your lovingkindness."

 NASB Psalm 44: 25-26

On My Knees

Psalm 34:4-7

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
   he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;
   their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
   he saved him out of all his troubles.
 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
   and he delivers them. 

     On the 27th. of December last year I decided that Psalm 34:4-7 would be the verse that I lived my life by this year. I would call upon the LORD daily and have him recognize that I was remembering that my life would reflect the promises of the verses above. I would be fearless. I would be answered. I would be radiant. I would be shameless. I would be heard. I would be saved from my troubles. I would be safe and delivered.  I knew that I would have hope this year in the little boy who came to save all of our lives - Jesus. 

     My faith did not dwindle on Friday, February 10th. at 10:54 am when I recieved a call from Katie Winters via World Changers. By that time, I had realized I would not be chosen for a team this summer. Her call confirmed this. I sat on a tree swing outside for a few minutes and cried. I made a post on my Twitter that stated the promises God had given me for this year and went to help my mom with packing up the yard sale we were having. My mom hugged me and took me out to lunch like the wonderful mommy she is. I didn't want to go to Sunday School that weekend just because I would have to say that my friend Amanda got a place on the "Special Team" and I get to re-apply. I felt a form of shame that I knew was not necessary because the news really didn't bother me past 12 pm on Friday. I can truly say that I was excited to grow from the experience and that my back-up camp would give me one EPIC summer. I can honestly say I trusted God at that moment in time. The next day was Saturday and I was at  Lake Denton Camp helping with a banquet. I learned more about myself and who I had physically become in the hours of serving before, during, and after that event than any other moment of my life. Running around pulling chicken dinners out of a HUGE stove while wearing a sparkly black dress and heels was pure fun (I know, I'm weird). At one point in time after everyone was eating and playing a game I walked up to the sink in my formal attire to do the dishes when I realized I was wearing a dress and heels and probably shouldn't be pouring Clorox! I am amazed that God has changed me from a high-strung little girl who didn't like people (so she hid in the kitchen) to a young lady (paha) who is learning to have compassion and a sense of humor that goes to the sink because she wants to be a servant leader.

    Glory!

  The next week began in straight happiness, but by Wednesday morning I was burnt-out on being happy about paying $300 in training fees to be a camp counselor at the alternate for World Changers. My friend texted me asking what had happened and I told her. She had gotten into her dream school UF that past Friday and my friend Valerie got a job leading an entire FFA camp too! I was trusting God, but I kept having my mind wander to sad territories that made me think, "There's sometheing more to this. I should be radiant! I was fearless! I know God is hearing my cries for strength and to not be disappointed; disappointed in myself!" I walked into my room after thinking sarcastically(sadly), "I traded in my small dreams for HIS EPIC plans! Camp Toccoa is going to be stinkin' EPIC!" I looked at the World Changers "Unhindered" logo on my Jordan Stone Jar and started to frown. A few moments later I heard my phone ring. I saw that it was a 615 number and knew it was LifeWay, but thought it was just another thing I had signed up to get notifications about. I had gotten a similar call only that past Sunday. When that call happened I had thought it was a call saying I was an alternate, but after that happened I knew I didn't have a chance! I answered my phone and there was Katie Winter on the other end, saying that I was alternate #1, I had been chosen to be a part of the Special (Virginia) Team for World Changers this summer. I was on my knees in two seconds flat sobbing and reaching to God silently screaming, "Thank you, Father! Thank you!". 

     I know that I grew much more after I got the phone call saying, "No, sorry." than I would have had that first call been, "Yes, congratulations!." God is indescribable in that way. He knows everything about us and the testimony we can have through just pure faith in his love. I am so thankful that I had a week to realize that God and His glory meant more to me than a simple job ever could! I am trying to pray everyday for the teams this summer as well as those who won't be on teams. God has an exciting story to write through their lives as well, and I can't wait to meet them someday and swap "God Stories". 

To God be ALL the glory!

God's Feet

     I'm going to try and not tell all of the stories from my adventures without shoes, because this season in my life is not about me! Today is no exception. I have a Speech Communications class on Thursday evenings in Port St. Lucie. I LOVE this class and the crazy people in it. Tonight we were in groups - with many of the people I'm usually drawn to; they're just normal people that have certain behaviors that are interesting to me. This older man with a family was in my group. He works in the prison system. We were going over what kind of "appearance" we should have for our speech, and out teacher mentioned how we make judgements based on people's feet. Now at that moment my feet, were GROSS. But, I wasn't ashamed of them at all. I wanted to tell this man, who could clearly see I wasn't wearing shoes, why in the world I wasn't wearing shoes!
     During break I explained the situation to him, the word "Lent" was all it took to light his face up. See, unbeknownst to me, he was a Catholic(Christian). We sat there and shared our faiths and beliefs with each other, and it was the best part of my day. He said something to me, this stranger who only saw my feet and knew I was a "self-proclaimed" Christian, he said this,"I know you are a Christian by lifestyle, and that you love God. I can clearly tell that." I could only utter, "It's not me." The conversation continued until class began again.
I've noticed this stigma about feet. It has only taken me two days to open my eyes to the dirty in this world. I've always considered dirty feet as a symbol of a dirty or uncaring lifestyle. I don't even know why?!? Why would I EVER believe that someone who looked dirty was dirty and not ever worth my time. But, God's word made it very clear that dirty feet are normal, and that those who are willing to wash them, are worth our time to be humble towards and listen to. Jesus is the perfect example of this when he washed his disciple's feet. He thought their feet were beautiful. I'd have to say He is worth my  
                                                                                time to listen to and follow.
Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.



     

Dirty and Left Out

     The one quote that has always fascinated me was this, "What in my life would cause Jesus to get off His throne in excited anticipation of what was about to happen?" For years I have asked myself this question - with almost no reply. I'd always say "Well, I'm getting better!" But with God, better isn't what He wants. He wants CHANGE. The real kind too!
    God did one serious work in me with LifeWay and World Changers (I'll tell ya' about it later) these past few months, and I don't want such intense momentum to stop!
    At the end of my sister's fast, she sent me a text that read, "What if someone didn't wear shoes for Lent?" First off, I didn't exactly know what Lent was; I'm Baptist for crying out loud! But, the idea sounded cool these past few days, so I searched what Lent was. Lent is the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter in which you give up something that is not furthering your discipline or reliance on God. Again, my life was changed by God. I truly believe that I was brought to my sister's attention through God wanting me to learn something more about Him.
    This blog tonight is about compassion, grace, and dirty DIRTY feet. I told God I would set aside time this week to live out Isaiah 1:17 if He would give me a cause to stand behind for his glory. He gave me Lent!
Sin #1 I put idols before God. I will not change and be disciplined for His glory to shine through me.
    God made it clear to me that I have serious discipline issues.  My discipline ranges from bad to extremely dangerous in regard to my time and resources. For example, I decided that if I got a job with LifeWay this summer then I would buy 3 new pairs of shoes. Long story short, all I could think about was getting new shoes. All. I. Thought.About.
Sin #2 I think about my comfort more than anyone else's
    I also noticed a real lacking in my exercise regime and eating healthy. I love being fit and eating carrots! So, why did that not matter to me as much anymore? My lack of discipline has lead me to gain 7 pounds in a year. I know to many people this isn't a big deal, but I have a small frame and this is a BIG deal to me.
Sin #3 I don't designate time to enhance the temple that God has given me to keep safe and managed wisely.
    And so ladies and gents. God, who knows me best and want me to love Him most, has given me the desire and grace (should I ask for it, and I have!) to change these things in my life. It's just another step to becoming the person He designed me to become. I WANT to change, because my witness is going to be tested like never before as me and my team at World Changers lead over 300 people this summer. And I, will NOT ruin the gospel for them because of my lack of discipline and love for them.
    The changes I'm making in my life are REALLY simple, but have already taken a toll on me. During the Lenten season (40 days) I am relying on God to be my everything.
#1 I am seeking to change my spiritual life by being able to pray for 60 minutes straight
#2 I am not wearing any form of shoe. My feet are dirty and callused already! With the exception of Sundays and going into establishments, in which I wear socks with grip. This isn't a sock fast! :)
#3 I am drinking ONLY water. Not only for my benefit, but the benefit of others - check this out! http://40days.bloodwatermission.com/
These things are not easy. AT. ALL. But, who said I was doing it myself? God is the one I know will sustain me and carry me throughout these 40 day. I trust my time, my feet, my diet, and my life to Him!

Isaiah 1:17
Learn to do right; seek justice.
   Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
   plead the case of the widow.

LifeWay

Here is the general overview of my weekend at LifeWay in Nashville for my interview with World Changers. Some things that were so amazing to me include:

1. The LifeWay building has a storage area under it's main building filled with all types of shirts and stuff from years past
2. The interviewers were amazingly kind and sincere about their purpose and our lives
3. Me and a few girls were on the elevator and went up a few floors, coming to the "Women's Ministry" floor. I just wanted to say "That's were I'm going to be working one day!!"
4. LifeWay is located on 10th. Avenue North. Yeah :)

5. I saw my first REAL drunk person #shelteredlife
6. There are people as passionate (or more) out there, and they are RAD
7. LifeWay as a building, stretches over 4 city blocks. It is HUGE.

So, I find out if I have been chosen to work with LifeWay//WC on Friday. Be praying for me and the LW//WC team as they make decisions. Here are the pics I could get, some borders are weird so just enjoy the photo :P

I felt like Mulan

Breakfast with Amanda....

....While watching airplanes touch the sunrise

Welcome to Nashville

The LifeWay building

The view from my room - Grand Central Station and the LifeWay Store

I had 25 minutes to get pretty after 8 hours of travel. There was makeup EVERYWHERE!

Nashville via the 8th. floor (Events, if I can remember correctly)

Over and Underneath

"Shine your light, so all can see it. Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it."

The art gallery across the street that I REALLY wanted to go inside of :)



So there you have it! At least, maybe a few snapshots of all I saw. The coolest moment of that weekend, was knowing that I was in the presence of God's will for my life, surrounded by a city that so desperately needed Him. Cool, because God has brought me to a place having equipped me to tell the whole world about Him and His glory. Just by GOING to the weekend I was able to tell people about God. We were asked very often why we had gone/ what was our purpose in Nashville. Mainly because, Amanda was carrying a guitar :) I met a soldier named Wesley Smock who sat by me on the plane-ride home. He was on his way to Kuwait and then Afghanistan. His birthday is the same as mine, and since leaving the plane I've prayed for his salvation and safety. I dearly hope that we meet again one day, and I can tell him of my summer and he of his adventures abroad.

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." --1 Peter3:15

here. (no caps)

It has been awhile
I think I've over complicated this whole "blogging" thing! I didn't even know that was possible to overcomplicate! There's only one thing that I want to mention that has happened as of lately. The story actually begins at least 4 years ago in Tampa, Florida. Our church participated in this mission project called World Changers. I was really interested in the mission opportunities offered by the National American Mission Board and told the Mission Specialist about this interest. His response to me was this 

"Start in your community."
This statement blew me away! This guy knew my heart completely! Going far away to spread the gospel seemed like such and adventure. However, the real adventure these past four years has been staying home and living my life for Christ here!
It has been quite the adventure, indeed.
I'm am incredibly confident that all I've experienced and lived through in my time here has prepared me for possibly the next step of my life as a missionary (that gets paid).
Yep, I might be a missionary this summer.
Surprise!!
I had been waiting until my first summer as a college student to apply for a position in a World Changers team. In October I remembered to look up the information and saw that the application was going to take some work to complete. So, I wasn't in. I went walking with a friend a week later and she asked me if I was going to apply. Turns out, long story short, that we both applied.
We were accepted.
She and I fly to Nashville, Tennessee January the 21st. for interviews with the staff at LifeWay.
Please be in prayer for us as we prepare, fly to Nashville, audition, and freak out.
No matter what happens - our God is awesome in power.
Musing: God does not promise that I will be comfortable or not be martyred. However, he promises that I will not be put to shame, and I won't be disappointing.