Love You Swore - John Mark McMillan

Chase me down like a lion
Like a bird of prey
Lift me up from the ashes
Of my hearts own shallow grave

'Cause I know that I love You
But sometimes I'm afraid
Whoa, oh

Spare my body from the wolves, God
That crouch down at my door
Lift me up above the waters
And the sharks that guard Your shore

'Cause I know that I need You
But sometimes I know it more
Whoa, oh

Harbor me in the eye of the storm
I'm holding on to love You swore

To Whomever You Might Be - Part 2 of 'Callused'

     In my Humanities classes, the Philosopher Immanuel Kant is always discussed. Kant was a genius and a visionary to say the least! He believed that we should never treat a human as merely a means to an end. For example, we shouldn't befriend a person just so that we can ask them for gum after an onion-filled lunch. A human has PURPOSE and is ALIVE! I realized after the conversation with the person who I opened up to, that I was using my future husband as merely a means to an end of being afraid of men and being touched.
     You see, I sit inside of my "Single Bubble" (much like a Christian Bubble) and enjoy the lifestyle I live. I never have to answer to a man either in my home life or inter-personal relationships. I've joked before that I'm "Free birdin' it!". It has become so much of a lifestyle choice to not listen to or trust the opposite sex, that I find it hard to listen or believe God because He is well, a "He". But, I don't want to treat the man that will help me and lead me like he's only allowed to do those things because he's my husband.

And so...

Dear whomever you might be, 

Thank you for waiting for me. I know I'm making this assumption, but for however long you've waited for me, whether it be 19 years or 19 days, I love you. I'm so thankful that I will find you when you're seeing God in every little moment of your day. I'm thankful that I will find you while you're loving everyone you meet. I'm thankful that you will open doors for me, and laugh when I trip over the raised frame. I'm excited to take you to the hollow and see all of my crazy family approve of you. I'm excited to help you decorate our future home. I'm excited to choose to love you all of the days of my life. I'm anxious for the moment you get down on your knees to ask me to marry you; and then wash my feet at our wedding. I laugh so hard at the face you make when you see my hair before I "fix" it.  I'm excited for the day that death doesn't part us, because our faith in Christ was parallel to that of Him and the Church. I'm sorry I have for so long treated you like a pawn that would lead me to happiness. I'm sorry that I have for years looked for you, hoping I would never find you. I'm sorry that for our sakes, I didn't trust God to fully acquaintance me to you after I was 18. I'm sorry that I treated you also as an end to me not trusting men. 

Dear future husband, I WILL wait for you, because I love you. With all of my heart, Carma :]

Callused

When you cry out earnestly for God to change you, and open up your life freely for God to use; He is going to change you!

 Last week I was on my way to a Bible study I was co-leading and I  just let out a long, agonizing scream- in my car-as loud as I possibly could. I must admit, I can give a blood-curdling scream with the best of those horror-movie actors. I didn't know why I was screaming, it just flowed out of my mouth. But today, I know:

It was a scream for every fear I had inside of me

It was a scream for every moment my bare feet received burns from the concrete

It was a scream for every ounce of pride that was holding me back 

Finally, it was for every word I wouldn't let out of my mouth about the sexual abuse I had received as a little girl. 

I really, really hate admitting those things. They're awkward and show my character in a darker light than I would like to honestly show. For every time I was silent, I became more callused, believing I could keep my hurt to myself and just keep moving forward. However, healing and pain are found in every moment of every beautiful day that God has created. After that day last week I just talked to God about these things, more and more everyday. The conversations between Jesus and I are becoming dear to me. However, I did ask specifically for God to send me someone who I could talk to about my hurt. He allowed me to connect with this girl (who I originally thought was reserved towards me). It was a completely grace filled moment of my life. We just sat and talked about the abuse we had gone through and how it had affected our lives and the relationships we had with people and men around us. It was odd when she said that she looked up to me because of the decision I had made to turn a 360 from what I had experienced and didn't choose to be a fast girl and such. Because honestly, sometimes I wish I hadn't...it's a very personal deformed desire of mine. She also said she was sorry that I had to experience being brought forcefully into the Police Station like a criminal and made to call the person in hopes that the self-righteous case worker would get another arrest with her name in the paper. I don't think that anyone who understood me as a human-being ever looked into my eyes and said that to me. Of course, I've heard sincere apologies from my mom, my counselor, and my a few friends. This time was just different. I could hear her words and feel myself heal a little more. She didn't save me or heal me, it was God. God wants to heal all of us; His kingdom is filled with broken-hearted sinners who He has healed and wants to continue healing - because he LOVES us. 

He wants to change me, to heal me, to bring me out of my slimy pit, because he LOVES ME.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

"But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself. Selah" Psalm 49:15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmrXdjilmaY