When you cry out earnestly for God to change you, and open up your life freely for God to use; He is going to change you!
Last week I was on my way to a Bible study I was co-leading and I just let out a long, agonizing scream- in my car-as loud as I possibly could. I must admit, I can give a blood-curdling scream with the best of those horror-movie actors. I didn't know why I was screaming, it just flowed out of my mouth. But today, I know:
It was a scream for every fear I had inside of me
It was a scream for every moment my bare feet received burns from the concrete
It was a scream for every ounce of pride that was holding me back
Finally, it was for every word I wouldn't let out of my mouth about the sexual abuse I had received as a little girl.
I really, really hate admitting those things. They're awkward and show my character in a darker light than I would like to honestly show. For every time I was silent, I became more callused, believing I could keep my hurt to myself and just keep moving forward. However, healing and pain are found in every moment of every beautiful day that God has created. After that day last week I just talked to God about these things, more and more everyday. The conversations between Jesus and I are becoming dear to me. However, I did ask specifically for God to send me someone who I could talk to about my hurt. He allowed me to connect with this girl (who I originally thought was reserved towards me). It was a completely grace filled moment of my life. We just sat and talked about the abuse we had gone through and how it had affected our lives and the relationships we had with people and men around us. It was odd when she said that she looked up to me because of the decision I had made to turn a 360 from what I had experienced and didn't choose to be a fast girl and such. Because honestly, sometimes I wish I hadn't...it's a very personal deformed desire of mine. She also said she was sorry that I had to experience being brought forcefully into the Police Station like a criminal and made to call the person in hopes that the self-righteous case worker would get another arrest with her name in the paper. I don't think that anyone who understood me as a human-being ever looked into my eyes and said that to me. Of course, I've heard sincere apologies from my mom, my counselor, and my a few friends. This time was just different. I could hear her words and feel myself heal a little more. She didn't save me or heal me, it was God. God wants to heal all of us; His kingdom is filled with broken-hearted sinners who He has healed and wants to continue healing - because he LOVES us.
He wants to change me, to heal me, to bring me out of my slimy pit, because he LOVES ME.
"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14
"But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself. Selah" Psalm 49:15
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